Adam Parrish (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forleaving) wrote2021-04-22 01:24 pm
forleaving) wrote2021-04-22 01:24 pm
Entry tags:
Open RP Post
🌳 Hit me up on plurk or via PM if you have any questions/want to run an idea by me first/what-have-you.
🌳 General squick/trigger list.
🌳 Prefer m/m for anything shippy, though m/f is also okay.
🌳 General headcanon for Adam. I don't have any yet, will update when I do.
🌳 Adam's kink list.
🌳 This is open to everyone who wants to thread with me!
speaking with words;
Ronan liked having Adam at the Barns, but it was a double-edged pleasure: he liked it too much. And so being the miserable sort of creature that he was, it was difficult to not think about the inevitability of losing it. Adam had college in the fall, a path to a diploma on his wall, a world that Ronan didn't know how to fit himself into. He could see his future loneliness as surely as he could hear it in how Gansey, Blue and Henry talked about their summer roadtrip. He knows that he could go with them if he wanted, but he's as sure he'd ruin it for them as he is that he doesn't want to leave Adam when there's a chance for even one day together.
Not to mention that Gansey's offer had felt like he was just an afterthought, which was almost as intolerable as Gansey leaving in the first place.
He checked on Adam after a little over an hour- both for his own nerves, and because he wanted him to know that he cared. He wasn't good at the words, but he felt these things with an intensity that all but destroyed him. Even if it was a stupid shitcan car and Ronan thought he deserved better, it mattered because it mattered to Adam. So he brought him some iced tea, and a bottle of water- the one Ronan used to bring with him back when he'd had tennis. He let Opal carry the water bottle, though she quickly wandered off after setting it down in the golden grass, tramping through the fields in her muckboots that had once belonged to Matthew.
Ronan on the other hand, took a moment just to appreciate the view- because Adam Parrish leaning into the exposed engine compartment of the Hondayota under the summer sun was the sort of thing that Ronan's fantasies were made of. So when he opened his mouth, he teased him a little to cover how affected he was. But as he handed over the glass, wordlessly urging him to take a break for just a little while, Ronan lightly bumped his shoulder into Adam's, and he leaned into his side like that for a long minute.
If he lets his mind wander, he'll think of another boy and another late summer afternoon. The fact that the Forth of July was only recently in the rearview doesn't help; it still clings to Ronan in a way he never tells anyone about. Not just on his skin, but with hooks that dig down to the marrow of his bones- even to his dreams.
Before he leaves, he shifts to hug him, and Adam laughs, says he needs a shower first, and Ronan says he doesn't care, wrapping him in his arms and sliding his hands up against his back. The other boy is damp with sweat, but all Ronan cares about is the contact, the fact of their chests pressed skin to skin, and Ronan half thinks Adam can feel his racing heartbeat. He kisses him: once, twice, thrice. Sweet and lingering, but bleeding with longing he can't help. He tucks his face into his shoulder for just a breath, just long enough for Ronan to pull himself together.
He's not selfish enough to tell Adam that he wants to keep him. But he does, he does. Fuck.
Instead he smiles, cupping Adam's face in his other hand as he looks into his eyes. He doesn't say anything, but there's something to the silence, like there would be words there if it was someone that wasn't Ronan Lynch. Instead, his smile turns a little bit filthy, more a smirk than a smile, a flash of teeth against his lips.]
When you're finished, you can take that shower and.. I'll help you relax.
[Most people might not have guessed it, but he was actually a little bit shy when it came to talking about sex. Not that he couldn't voice that he wanted it, but putting words to the specific acts and body parts always made his skin flush. It was a bit too real, the sort of thing that got glossed over in dreams and fantasies. So it was usually like this -- a look, a smile, a certain weight to how he said relax.
And then he walked away, telling Adam to send Opal inside if she got in his way. He stood on the porch for long minutes, just watching the dusty-blond of Adam's hair and the pale skin of his shoulders. It made him ache, made him want to hit something or scream without really knowing the reason why. Instead, he busied himself with fixing the hinges to one of the cabinets in the kitchen.
Adam came inside just after sunset, Ronan having just flopped onto the couch a little bit before, and it was not the easy thing that he had been hoping for. His eyes were dark and downcast, his shoulders tense, and it seemed like Ronan's own storm clouds followed on his heels. Ronan didn't ask what the diagnosis was, because Adam's mood told him all that he needed to know. Whatever was wrong with the Hondayota, it was fatal- at least in the temporary. A part that needed to be ordered and that Boyd's would not get in soon enough, something that had to be rebuilt. It was not something that even Adam Parrish could fix with determination and elbow grease.
He says he's going to take a shower, and Ronan lets him. He doesn't follow him, even if he wants to. He wants to kiss him from his lips to his thighs, wants to use his mouth for something better than words and pull the tension and frustration from his body. Instead, he turns on the oven and heats up a frozen pepperoni pizza -- it's not Ninos, but Ronan usually keeps a couple around for emergencies. Ronan doesn't really cook, but he has enough money that it's rarely a problem.
He sends Opal outside with a jar to catch fireflies, mostly to keep her out from underfoot when Ronan's already a mess.
It's admittedly a far cry from a homecooked dinner, but it was Ronan making an effort when he clearly didn't know what else to do. Trying to attack the problem directly felt like a sure path to making things worse, and he really didn't want to have to drive Adam back to St. Agnes or try to talk him out of trying to fucking walk. This at least felt less treacherous, even if it's just pizza. He sets out a chilled bottle of coke for Adam and a beer for himself, and there's ice cream in the freezer.
Normally he'd have just ordered takeout, but this was something to do, and it was something that he could do for Adam, even if it wasn't what he wanted to do. But unlike Gansey, Ronan had learned. Where the lines were, what he could get away with. And the fact that he did respect Adam's wishes seemed to make those lines a little more forgiving.
Case in point: the phone Ronan had gotten him for his birthday.
When Adam emerges, freshly showered and dressed, Ronan sort of wants to forget all about dinner and take his boyfriend's clothes off all over again. But instead he just sets the jar of fireflies on the table and dims the overhead lights a little bit. It's not really romantic, but it's-- something.
Ronan holds a hand out in invitation, and Adam takes it, and Ronan can feel his heartbeat calm into something almost normal. The other boy teases him about eating at the table- usually it's side by side on the couch, with plates and takeout containers on the coffee table. Ronan says it's just an excuse to look at him, and he isn't quite sure which of them is more flustered by the words.
They eat their pizza and they look at each other, and somewhere between the shower and dinner, Adam seems to have put Ronan's stormclouds back outside where they belonged.
Adam washes the dishes from dinner, and Ronan snags the ice cream from the freezer, adding some chocolate syrup and a bit of whipped cream just to dress it up a bit. One bowl, two spoons. He's licking some remnants of the chocolate from his fingers, cuddled up with his boyfriend when Adam finally tells him about the car. That it'll take a week at least, before he can have it up and running, and he has work and Graduation. Ronan's quiet for a moment at first; not because he doesn't care.
But this feels different than their usual pattern of pushing the difficult things out of sight. It feels like changing something, like Adam is trying. Like he's reaching or asking, and if he's doing the hard part, Ronan isn't so selfish that he wont meet him halfway. They've always soothed the hurts with hands and bodies because neither of them really seems to know how to say the words.
Or maybe it's just Ronan.
The other part is that he recognizes that this is Adam making space for him, allowing him to offer to help. Maybe he's not asking for it directly, but Ronan can feel that he needs something. Or more accurately, that Adam is allowing him to know that he needs something. And he knows that it's hard: Adam who has had so few people care about what he needs, so few people willing to offer it to him without strings. So he takes a breath and hopes he says the right thing.]
You can take the BMW, if you want to. Not like I've got anywhere particular to be.
[He doesn't even bring up his feelings about Aglionby or the graduation ceremony. He'd go if Adam asked him to, but he hadn't, and so Ronan had taken that as that whatever Adam needed from it was not something that hinged on Ronan's presence. He doesn't know how to talk about his feelings about it -- that he'd watched Gansey die and now he was going through the motions of a normal life, and Ronan still had nightmares. Adam also wasn't the only boy that Ronan loved that should have been in a gown, accepting his diploma with a handshake and a smile. Kavinsky probably would have had a smirk, worn his sunglasses onto the stage with the Headmaster. But he wasn't going to be there on Friday, just like he hasn't been there for all of Senior Year.
Of course Ronan had dropped out. What was there that tied him to Aglionby except misery? He drops his head onto Adam's shoulder like he doesn't quite trust his words to be right- or enough.]
/vibrates intensely
He was working on convincing himself that there weren't strings attached with Ronan. All Ronan wanted from Adam was Adam and he was already willing to give all of himself to the other boy. How fiercely Adam cared about him, even if they were both bad with their words about it. He should tell him how he felt more often, he knew, but it was hard. And more than a little frightening. He didn't think anybody in his life had ever loved him, not even his own parents. Especially not his own parents. They'd never even wanted him.
But Adam was trying, so he reached out and Ronan reached back. It was progress, and yet he still felt like he should ask if Ronan was sure, if it wouldn't be an inconvenience. Adam would pay for gas...if he could afford it. He didn't want to fight; Ronan wasn't his enemy. They were on the same team and they were supposed to be working together, not against each other.
Taking a deep breath, Adam held it for a moment before exhaling.]
If you're sure it's not a problem...I'd like that.
[It wasn't like Adam could bike to graduation, after all. Or work. Or well, he could but it wouldn't be practical. Driving would be easier and faster, and he was a safe driver. He'd treat the BMW like a precious jewel.
Raising a hand, he brushed his fingers, still cold from holding the bowl of ice cream, across Ronan's jaw and cheek.]
Are you- is everything alright?
[It shouldn't have been, but asking that felt like it was new, too. It shouldn't have felt that way just to ask if Ronan was alright, but they didn't talk about these sort of things. It made Adam feel guilty, and yet it was so hard to open up to people after how many times he'd been hurt. But this was Ronan, and if they were going to make things work, they had to talk. Didn't they?]
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[He means it as a joke, to tease him a little bit, but there's honesty there too. Because he does worry about losing him. About the idea that he'll leave and not come back, find someone better than Ronan fucking Lynch, find himself surrounded by people like him, someone smart and with ambitions and desires and who will have a matching diploma to hang on the living room wall. The deeper they got into summer and the closer autumn felt, the more insecure Ronan felt about the whole thing.
But he didn't talk about it, because he didn't talk about it. Maybe it was another casualty in the way that the Lynches didn't talk about the dreaming. And Ronan, ever the overachiever when he'd been young, had simply learned not to talk about anything at all.
He shivers when Adam reaches out to touch him, his fingers cool from the bowl of ice cream they'd shared, but Ronan leans into the contact. It's still a pleasure, still Adam's fingers on his skin. At the question his heart skips a little, though. It's a simple thing on the surface, but he isn't sure they've ever really asked each other that before. The questions were about broken bones or ruin- will you survive this?- but the subtext feels different here. It makes him feel a little bit guilty, like he should have been asking like this, too.
But of course, he could do what he always does: brush it off and say that he's fine. But.. he wants to be good for Adam. He wants to be a good boyfriend. He wants their relationship to be good, to be something that can survive Adam leaving for college. Because he loves him; he hadn't understood how to accept the feeling until it was too late. But as much as Kavinsky's death still rips him apart, it had forced him to face what he wanted with Adam. And he does, he does, he loves him, even if he isn't sure he's ever said the words. But then he'd never really said the word boyfriend either, had he? But it was still true, something they both heard in the quiet ways they touched.
It takes Ronan a few moments.
It's an intentional sort of vulnerability, peeling away the walls he uses to prop himself up, keep himself together, until all that's left is raw emotion and hurt that feels too big for words, to even know where to start. He laughs, but it's a little strained, like if you pushed a little it might be a sob instead.]
I'm- I'm a fucking mess, Adam.
[He sort of crawls into his boyfriend's lap, not because he specifically wants something sexual (even if it is always a little bit on his mind when it comes to Adam). But he needs the closeness, the comfort, he needs him to hold him if they're going to do this. But, as much as it's an ask, it's also an offer. Because he is willing to do this, to try. Because at the end of the day, however bad they both might be at the words, Ronan trusts that Adam wont let him fall if he tries.]
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Adam liked to think they had a strong enough connection that they could make this work, that they could last.]
I'll always come back. Was it- was there ever a doubt?
[He meant it seriously, genuinely, because if Ronan was concerned, Adam wanted to be able to put those fears to rest. He wanted to be a good boyfriend, better than he'd been in the past. He'd been a shitty boyfriend with Blue. He'd been a shitty boyfriend before that. He'd probably been a shitty boyfriend sometimes with Ronan, if he stopped long enough to examine the facts.
But then Ronan was in his lap and Adam was wrapping his arms around him, one hand clutching his shirt, the other smoothing across the back of his neck.
He almost deflected, almost said something about how Ronan was always a mess and that this wasn't new information, but that wouldn't have solved anything. And the way Ronan had laughed- something was on his mind. Adam could tell. Talking about things was hard, he knew that. It left someone exposed and vulnerable and it could be downright terrifying when you didn't know what the other person would do or say or think. When you were used to being hurt.
But if they couldn't talk about things like this, what could they talk about? They had to trust each other, know they could lean on the other when they needed someone. So Adam took a breath and said-]
Did something happen?
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[Me. Because he knows he's always a chaos, a car crash.
He curses under his breath, his face a little damp when he presses it to the side of Adam's neck, an opened mouth kiss, but more like affection, like reassurance. He does sort of want to just kiss him and strip off their clothes and answer the struggle with physicality. But Ronan doesn't, just lets his larger hands rest light and careful against his body.
He feels guilty just for saying it. Although he doesn't take it back, but he does try to reassure his boyfriend a little.]
I want you to go to Harvard. I'm not that selfish, and you belong someplace like that, where you can figure out how much the world offers you when you don't have shitty people holding you back. But I am selfish, because I still want you to come back to me. I want you, Adam. Sometimes I think it's all I've ever wanted.
You. The Barns. A magic forest that understands me. A fast car. You.
[I love you.
He doesn't say the words, but he knows he should, but they're there in everything that he's saying anyway. The thing is that Ronan's insecurity isn't just about Adam, not really. Part of it is because Ronan doesn't have a path, doesn't know what the fuck to do with his life, what the fuck he's allowed to do with his life, and so it feels like he has nothing to offer.
I don't know what I'd do if I lost you too, but he doesn't say that either. He leans in so that he can lean their foreheads together, so that he can feel his breath. It feels awful, talking about these things, but maybe it's just because he's never done it before, never felt like he was allowed to, or capable of it.
Maybe if he'd been able to just talk to Kavinsky, back in the dreamfield... He sighs, letting his fingers curl at the back of Adam's neck. The question is hard, because it feels like the answer should be no; it had happened a long time ago, really, hadn't it? But it isn't. But he doesn't quite known how to say it so it comes off with a laugh, more self-deprecating than anything.]
I dunno, man. But the Forth of July is never easy. I mean-- look, so I loved Kavinsky back then. Don't worry, it's not like I ever told him, either. It's why--
[Whatever mirth there had been in Ronan's voice evaporates with even the slight hint of the other dreamer's fate. His voice catches, like a sob that he doesn't know how to breathe through. His blue eyes are uncomfortably bright, mired in shame and guilt.]
He should be there. Friday. Graduation. And he wont.
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Ronan, you are a smart and fascinating person.
[Just because he'd chosen to drop out of high school didn't make him an idiot. Contrary to what Adam might have said and thought in the past, it didn't make Ronan a loser. He'd had time to reflect on that and think about how he was wrong, how getting what you wanted or needed out of life looked different to everybody.]
Everybody wants something out of life. You just have to figure out what that is- and there's time.
[Ronan wasn't lazy; he was a doer, just a different sort than Adam. There was nothing wrong with that. He didn't feel the burning need to prove himself to the world like Adam did. A lot of people probably didn't.]
I'll come back, because I love you.
[And then Ronan brought up the Fourth of July and Kavinsky, and Adam went still for a moment. I loved Kavinsky back then explained so much. It made everything Adam knew about how Ronan and Kavinsky had interacted rearrange itself with this new information.
Honestly, he'd never thought to be worried about Ronan having told Kavinsky, but knowing that he never had-]
Oh.
[A quiet little oh, as he wrapped his arms a little tighter around Ronan. Adam might not have been Kavinsky's biggest fan, but he understood the hurt of losing someone you cared about, having never gotten the chance to tell them you cared about them. It must have been tearing Ronan to pieces.]
I'm so sorry. I'd never realized-
[He kissed Ronan softly, more an attempt at comfort than anything.]
It wasn't your fault, though. He was self-destructive.
[There was no jealousy in his voice or his expression. How could he possibly be jealous in this position? He wanted to make Ronan feel better, but he wasn't sure he knew how.]
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The words shake Ronan to the core, but not in a way that hurts. Instead he clings to them- greedy- gets claws into them so they can't escape and he can't forget. So that even in his darkest, loneliest moments he'll still have this truth: that Adam Parrish loves him, that he's coming back for him.
And there is a comfort in Adam's words, that Ronan just needed to figure out what he wanted out of life. Specifically, the idea that he still had time to do it in. Which if nothing else, meant that Adam would give him time to figure it out. Because it has been hard, some days, watching Adam make preparations for college and feeling like he was going to graduate and have a life and Ronan wasn't going to have anything to offer him except a farm in the country -- almost certainly too close to Henrietta for Adam's comfort.
He doesn't really know what he'd expected when he told Adam that he'd loved Kavinsky. He'd expected it to hurt, he realizes, only because when Adam wraps his arms tighter around him, when he says that he's sorry, it feels like a shock, like something far kinder than Ronan had even been able to imagine. Not because he thought of Adam as cruel, but because he's never even been this soft to himself.]
It's okay. I didn't even realize it until it was too fucking late.
[He kisses him back, a little desperate, but not quite sexual, more just like he needs the comfort, needs to feel worth something, needs permission not to hate himself for it. He smiles at Adam a little bit sadly; he knows that he's trying to be comforting, to keep Ronan from the blame that's such a kneejerk it's almost as familiar as a friend. But it does help that Adam doesn't seem angry or jealous, or like he thinks that loving Kavinsky means that Ronan cares about him less-- Adam doesn't seem to hold any of the things that Ronan had been afraid of. It's just comfort, just warmth he can bury himself in.]
I was self-destructive too. There were days back then where dying felt like it would be a gift.
But I had him, and instead of being there for Kavinsky, I fucking used him. And he... I know he was an asshole. But he was lonely, too. His dad tried to kill him. His mom wasn't just an addict, she was also a fucking bitch. He literally saved my life when I wrecked the Camaro, and he helped me with my dreaming, and I didn't even-- there was so much I should have told him. About Cabeswater and the ley lines, and I just- I didn't even know how to tell him he wasn't alone.
[Ronan comes apart a little. His shoulders shaking, blue eyes wet with tears and his voice shakes, catching on quiet sobs that shake through his chest. He's never talked about it like this with anyone. That yes, Kavinsky was an asshole, but he'd been hurting too, and while he'd been there for Ronan, Ronan had never been there for him.]
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I'm glad you chose to live.
[His words were soft, gentle. The opposite of choosing to give up and die was choosing to live, after all, and Ronan had to have actively made that decision.]
Nothing would be the same without you. I wouldn't be the same.
[Kavinsky though, was a slightly more difficult topic. Not because Adam disliked him that much, but because he didn't want Ronan to keep blaming himself for what had happened. It was a complicated situation, and it seemed easy to throw around blame, but that wouldn't help anyone.]
Would telling him about Cabeswater and the ley lines have made him change his mind? You couldn't have known how close he was to- to breaking. People make mistakes, but you can't carry the burden of those feelings forever.
[He knew Ronan probably wished he could reverse time to go back and change things, but there was nothing to be done about it. Dwelling on things would only make the wound worse.
Taking a breath, he rubbed his palm along Ronan's spine. It hurt him to see him cry. Ronan was fierce and wonderful, but he had a soft heart. A good heart. Adam knew he would have never wished for Kavinsky to do what he'd done, in the end. He'd probably thought he had more time, just like everyone else.]