Open RP Post

[forleaving]

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[threesecrets]

It's-- fuck. It's not that I think you don't mean to. But you'll leave, and you'll realize that you can be surrounded by other smart and fascinating people. You'll join clubs for people with ambitions, share notes in class. You'll find people that want something out of life, that aren't--

[Me. Because he knows he's always a chaos, a car crash.

He curses under his breath, his face a little damp when he presses it to the side of Adam's neck, an opened mouth kiss, but more like affection, like reassurance. He does sort of want to just kiss him and strip off their clothes and answer the struggle with physicality. But Ronan doesn't, just lets his larger hands rest light and careful against his body.

He feels guilty just for saying it. Although he doesn't take it back, but he does try to reassure his boyfriend a little.]

I want you to go to Harvard. I'm not that selfish, and you belong someplace like that, where you can figure out how much the world offers you when you don't have shitty people holding you back. But I am selfish, because I still want you to come back to me. I want you, Adam. Sometimes I think it's all I've ever wanted.

You. The Barns. A magic forest that understands me. A fast car. You.

[I love you.

He doesn't say the words, but he knows he should, but they're there in everything that he's saying anyway. The thing is that Ronan's insecurity isn't just about Adam, not really. Part of it is because Ronan doesn't have a path, doesn't know what the fuck to do with his life, what the fuck he's allowed to do with his life, and so it feels like he has nothing to offer.

I don't know what I'd do if I lost you too, but he doesn't say that either. He leans in so that he can lean their foreheads together, so that he can feel his breath. It feels awful, talking about these things, but maybe it's just because he's never done it before, never felt like he was allowed to, or capable of it.

Maybe if he'd been able to just talk to Kavinsky, back in the dreamfield... He sighs, letting his fingers curl at the back of Adam's neck. The question is hard, because it feels like the answer should be no; it had happened a long time ago, really, hadn't it? But it isn't. But he doesn't quite known how to say it so it comes off with a laugh, more self-deprecating than anything.]

I dunno, man. But the Forth of July is never easy. I mean-- look, so I loved Kavinsky back then. Don't worry, it's not like I ever told him, either. It's why--

[Whatever mirth there had been in Ronan's voice evaporates with even the slight hint of the other dreamer's fate. His voice catches, like a sob that he doesn't know how to breathe through. His blue eyes are uncomfortably bright, mired in shame and guilt.]

He should be there. Friday. Graduation. And he wont.

[forleaving]

[Adam almost laughed but he knew it would have seemed cruel. He rubbed his hand in a circle across Ronan's back, instead.]

Ronan, you are a smart and fascinating person.

[Just because he'd chosen to drop out of high school didn't make him an idiot. Contrary to what Adam might have said and thought in the past, it didn't make Ronan a loser. He'd had time to reflect on that and think about how he was wrong, how getting what you wanted or needed out of life looked different to everybody.]

Everybody wants something out of life. You just have to figure out what that is- and there's time.

[Ronan wasn't lazy; he was a doer, just a different sort than Adam. There was nothing wrong with that. He didn't feel the burning need to prove himself to the world like Adam did. A lot of people probably didn't.]

I'll come back, because I love you.

[And then Ronan brought up the Fourth of July and Kavinsky, and Adam went still for a moment. I loved Kavinsky back then explained so much. It made everything Adam knew about how Ronan and Kavinsky had interacted rearrange itself with this new information.

Honestly, he'd never thought to be worried about Ronan having told Kavinsky, but knowing that he never had-]

Oh.

[A quiet little oh, as he wrapped his arms a little tighter around Ronan. Adam might not have been Kavinsky's biggest fan, but he understood the hurt of losing someone you cared about, having never gotten the chance to tell them you cared about them. It must have been tearing Ronan to pieces.]

I'm so sorry. I'd never realized-

[He kissed Ronan softly, more an attempt at comfort than anything.]

It wasn't your fault, though. He was self-destructive.

[There was no jealousy in his voice or his expression. How could he possibly be jealous in this position? He wanted to make Ronan feel better, but he wasn't sure he knew how.]

[threesecrets]

[I'll come back, because I love you.

The words shake Ronan to the core, but not in a way that hurts. Instead he clings to them- greedy- gets claws into them so they can't escape and he can't forget. So that even in his darkest, loneliest moments he'll still have this truth: that Adam Parrish loves him, that he's coming back for him.

And there is a comfort in Adam's words, that Ronan just needed to figure out what he wanted out of life. Specifically, the idea that he still had time to do it in. Which if nothing else, meant that Adam would give him time to figure it out. Because it has been hard, some days, watching Adam make preparations for college and feeling like he was going to graduate and have a life and Ronan wasn't going to have anything to offer him except a farm in the country -- almost certainly too close to Henrietta for Adam's comfort.

He doesn't really know what he'd expected when he told Adam that he'd loved Kavinsky. He'd expected it to hurt, he realizes, only because when Adam wraps his arms tighter around him, when he says that he's sorry, it feels like a shock, like something far kinder than Ronan had even been able to imagine. Not because he thought of Adam as cruel, but because he's never even been this soft to himself.]

It's okay. I didn't even realize it until it was too fucking late.

[He kisses him back, a little desperate, but not quite sexual, more just like he needs the comfort, needs to feel worth something, needs permission not to hate himself for it. He smiles at Adam a little bit sadly; he knows that he's trying to be comforting, to keep Ronan from the blame that's such a kneejerk it's almost as familiar as a friend. But it does help that Adam doesn't seem angry or jealous, or like he thinks that loving Kavinsky means that Ronan cares about him less-- Adam doesn't seem to hold any of the things that Ronan had been afraid of. It's just comfort, just warmth he can bury himself in.]

I was self-destructive too. There were days back then where dying felt like it would be a gift.

But I had him, and instead of being there for Kavinsky, I fucking used him. And he... I know he was an asshole. But he was lonely, too. His dad tried to kill him. His mom wasn't just an addict, she was also a fucking bitch. He literally saved my life when I wrecked the Camaro, and he helped me with my dreaming, and I didn't even-- there was so much I should have told him. About Cabeswater and the ley lines, and I just- I didn't even know how to tell him he wasn't alone.

[Ronan comes apart a little. His shoulders shaking, blue eyes wet with tears and his voice shakes, catching on quiet sobs that shake through his chest. He's never talked about it like this with anyone. That yes, Kavinsky was an asshole, but he'd been hurting too, and while he'd been there for Ronan, Ronan had never been there for him.]

[forleaving]

[Adam made a quiet noise, not because he was surprised that Ronan'd had dark thoughts like that, but because just the idea of losing him was almost too much to bear, even if it sounded like it was in the past. He didn't want to imagine a life without Ronan in it. He meant more to Adam than he'd been able to really put into words thus far, but he was so important to him.]

I'm glad you chose to live.

[His words were soft, gentle. The opposite of choosing to give up and die was choosing to live, after all, and Ronan had to have actively made that decision.]

Nothing would be the same without you. I wouldn't be the same.

[Kavinsky though, was a slightly more difficult topic. Not because Adam disliked him that much, but because he didn't want Ronan to keep blaming himself for what had happened. It was a complicated situation, and it seemed easy to throw around blame, but that wouldn't help anyone.]

Would telling him about Cabeswater and the ley lines have made him change his mind? You couldn't have known how close he was to- to breaking. People make mistakes, but you can't carry the burden of those feelings forever.

[He knew Ronan probably wished he could reverse time to go back and change things, but there was nothing to be done about it. Dwelling on things would only make the wound worse.

Taking a breath, he rubbed his palm along Ronan's spine. It hurt him to see him cry. Ronan was fierce and wonderful, but he had a soft heart. A good heart. Adam knew he would have never wished for Kavinsky to do what he'd done, in the end. He'd probably thought he had more time, just like everyone else.]