Adam Parrish (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forleaving) wrote2021-04-22 01:24 pm
forleaving) wrote2021-04-22 01:24 pm
Entry tags:
Open RP Post
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🌳 General squick/trigger list.
🌳 Prefer m/m for anything shippy, though m/f is also okay.
🌳 General headcanon for Adam. I don't have any yet, will update when I do.
🌳 Adam's kink list.
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[He means it as a joke, to tease him a little bit, but there's honesty there too. Because he does worry about losing him. About the idea that he'll leave and not come back, find someone better than Ronan fucking Lynch, find himself surrounded by people like him, someone smart and with ambitions and desires and who will have a matching diploma to hang on the living room wall. The deeper they got into summer and the closer autumn felt, the more insecure Ronan felt about the whole thing.
But he didn't talk about it, because he didn't talk about it. Maybe it was another casualty in the way that the Lynches didn't talk about the dreaming. And Ronan, ever the overachiever when he'd been young, had simply learned not to talk about anything at all.
He shivers when Adam reaches out to touch him, his fingers cool from the bowl of ice cream they'd shared, but Ronan leans into the contact. It's still a pleasure, still Adam's fingers on his skin. At the question his heart skips a little, though. It's a simple thing on the surface, but he isn't sure they've ever really asked each other that before. The questions were about broken bones or ruin- will you survive this?- but the subtext feels different here. It makes him feel a little bit guilty, like he should have been asking like this, too.
But of course, he could do what he always does: brush it off and say that he's fine. But.. he wants to be good for Adam. He wants to be a good boyfriend. He wants their relationship to be good, to be something that can survive Adam leaving for college. Because he loves him; he hadn't understood how to accept the feeling until it was too late. But as much as Kavinsky's death still rips him apart, it had forced him to face what he wanted with Adam. And he does, he does, he loves him, even if he isn't sure he's ever said the words. But then he'd never really said the word boyfriend either, had he? But it was still true, something they both heard in the quiet ways they touched.
It takes Ronan a few moments.
It's an intentional sort of vulnerability, peeling away the walls he uses to prop himself up, keep himself together, until all that's left is raw emotion and hurt that feels too big for words, to even know where to start. He laughs, but it's a little strained, like if you pushed a little it might be a sob instead.]
I'm- I'm a fucking mess, Adam.
[He sort of crawls into his boyfriend's lap, not because he specifically wants something sexual (even if it is always a little bit on his mind when it comes to Adam). But he needs the closeness, the comfort, he needs him to hold him if they're going to do this. But, as much as it's an ask, it's also an offer. Because he is willing to do this, to try. Because at the end of the day, however bad they both might be at the words, Ronan trusts that Adam wont let him fall if he tries.]
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Adam liked to think they had a strong enough connection that they could make this work, that they could last.]
I'll always come back. Was it- was there ever a doubt?
[He meant it seriously, genuinely, because if Ronan was concerned, Adam wanted to be able to put those fears to rest. He wanted to be a good boyfriend, better than he'd been in the past. He'd been a shitty boyfriend with Blue. He'd been a shitty boyfriend before that. He'd probably been a shitty boyfriend sometimes with Ronan, if he stopped long enough to examine the facts.
But then Ronan was in his lap and Adam was wrapping his arms around him, one hand clutching his shirt, the other smoothing across the back of his neck.
He almost deflected, almost said something about how Ronan was always a mess and that this wasn't new information, but that wouldn't have solved anything. And the way Ronan had laughed- something was on his mind. Adam could tell. Talking about things was hard, he knew that. It left someone exposed and vulnerable and it could be downright terrifying when you didn't know what the other person would do or say or think. When you were used to being hurt.
But if they couldn't talk about things like this, what could they talk about? They had to trust each other, know they could lean on the other when they needed someone. So Adam took a breath and said-]
Did something happen?
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[Me. Because he knows he's always a chaos, a car crash.
He curses under his breath, his face a little damp when he presses it to the side of Adam's neck, an opened mouth kiss, but more like affection, like reassurance. He does sort of want to just kiss him and strip off their clothes and answer the struggle with physicality. But Ronan doesn't, just lets his larger hands rest light and careful against his body.
He feels guilty just for saying it. Although he doesn't take it back, but he does try to reassure his boyfriend a little.]
I want you to go to Harvard. I'm not that selfish, and you belong someplace like that, where you can figure out how much the world offers you when you don't have shitty people holding you back. But I am selfish, because I still want you to come back to me. I want you, Adam. Sometimes I think it's all I've ever wanted.
You. The Barns. A magic forest that understands me. A fast car. You.
[I love you.
He doesn't say the words, but he knows he should, but they're there in everything that he's saying anyway. The thing is that Ronan's insecurity isn't just about Adam, not really. Part of it is because Ronan doesn't have a path, doesn't know what the fuck to do with his life, what the fuck he's allowed to do with his life, and so it feels like he has nothing to offer.
I don't know what I'd do if I lost you too, but he doesn't say that either. He leans in so that he can lean their foreheads together, so that he can feel his breath. It feels awful, talking about these things, but maybe it's just because he's never done it before, never felt like he was allowed to, or capable of it.
Maybe if he'd been able to just talk to Kavinsky, back in the dreamfield... He sighs, letting his fingers curl at the back of Adam's neck. The question is hard, because it feels like the answer should be no; it had happened a long time ago, really, hadn't it? But it isn't. But he doesn't quite known how to say it so it comes off with a laugh, more self-deprecating than anything.]
I dunno, man. But the Forth of July is never easy. I mean-- look, so I loved Kavinsky back then. Don't worry, it's not like I ever told him, either. It's why--
[Whatever mirth there had been in Ronan's voice evaporates with even the slight hint of the other dreamer's fate. His voice catches, like a sob that he doesn't know how to breathe through. His blue eyes are uncomfortably bright, mired in shame and guilt.]
He should be there. Friday. Graduation. And he wont.
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Ronan, you are a smart and fascinating person.
[Just because he'd chosen to drop out of high school didn't make him an idiot. Contrary to what Adam might have said and thought in the past, it didn't make Ronan a loser. He'd had time to reflect on that and think about how he was wrong, how getting what you wanted or needed out of life looked different to everybody.]
Everybody wants something out of life. You just have to figure out what that is- and there's time.
[Ronan wasn't lazy; he was a doer, just a different sort than Adam. There was nothing wrong with that. He didn't feel the burning need to prove himself to the world like Adam did. A lot of people probably didn't.]
I'll come back, because I love you.
[And then Ronan brought up the Fourth of July and Kavinsky, and Adam went still for a moment. I loved Kavinsky back then explained so much. It made everything Adam knew about how Ronan and Kavinsky had interacted rearrange itself with this new information.
Honestly, he'd never thought to be worried about Ronan having told Kavinsky, but knowing that he never had-]
Oh.
[A quiet little oh, as he wrapped his arms a little tighter around Ronan. Adam might not have been Kavinsky's biggest fan, but he understood the hurt of losing someone you cared about, having never gotten the chance to tell them you cared about them. It must have been tearing Ronan to pieces.]
I'm so sorry. I'd never realized-
[He kissed Ronan softly, more an attempt at comfort than anything.]
It wasn't your fault, though. He was self-destructive.
[There was no jealousy in his voice or his expression. How could he possibly be jealous in this position? He wanted to make Ronan feel better, but he wasn't sure he knew how.]
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The words shake Ronan to the core, but not in a way that hurts. Instead he clings to them- greedy- gets claws into them so they can't escape and he can't forget. So that even in his darkest, loneliest moments he'll still have this truth: that Adam Parrish loves him, that he's coming back for him.
And there is a comfort in Adam's words, that Ronan just needed to figure out what he wanted out of life. Specifically, the idea that he still had time to do it in. Which if nothing else, meant that Adam would give him time to figure it out. Because it has been hard, some days, watching Adam make preparations for college and feeling like he was going to graduate and have a life and Ronan wasn't going to have anything to offer him except a farm in the country -- almost certainly too close to Henrietta for Adam's comfort.
He doesn't really know what he'd expected when he told Adam that he'd loved Kavinsky. He'd expected it to hurt, he realizes, only because when Adam wraps his arms tighter around him, when he says that he's sorry, it feels like a shock, like something far kinder than Ronan had even been able to imagine. Not because he thought of Adam as cruel, but because he's never even been this soft to himself.]
It's okay. I didn't even realize it until it was too fucking late.
[He kisses him back, a little desperate, but not quite sexual, more just like he needs the comfort, needs to feel worth something, needs permission not to hate himself for it. He smiles at Adam a little bit sadly; he knows that he's trying to be comforting, to keep Ronan from the blame that's such a kneejerk it's almost as familiar as a friend. But it does help that Adam doesn't seem angry or jealous, or like he thinks that loving Kavinsky means that Ronan cares about him less-- Adam doesn't seem to hold any of the things that Ronan had been afraid of. It's just comfort, just warmth he can bury himself in.]
I was self-destructive too. There were days back then where dying felt like it would be a gift.
But I had him, and instead of being there for Kavinsky, I fucking used him. And he... I know he was an asshole. But he was lonely, too. His dad tried to kill him. His mom wasn't just an addict, she was also a fucking bitch. He literally saved my life when I wrecked the Camaro, and he helped me with my dreaming, and I didn't even-- there was so much I should have told him. About Cabeswater and the ley lines, and I just- I didn't even know how to tell him he wasn't alone.
[Ronan comes apart a little. His shoulders shaking, blue eyes wet with tears and his voice shakes, catching on quiet sobs that shake through his chest. He's never talked about it like this with anyone. That yes, Kavinsky was an asshole, but he'd been hurting too, and while he'd been there for Ronan, Ronan had never been there for him.]
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I'm glad you chose to live.
[His words were soft, gentle. The opposite of choosing to give up and die was choosing to live, after all, and Ronan had to have actively made that decision.]
Nothing would be the same without you. I wouldn't be the same.
[Kavinsky though, was a slightly more difficult topic. Not because Adam disliked him that much, but because he didn't want Ronan to keep blaming himself for what had happened. It was a complicated situation, and it seemed easy to throw around blame, but that wouldn't help anyone.]
Would telling him about Cabeswater and the ley lines have made him change his mind? You couldn't have known how close he was to- to breaking. People make mistakes, but you can't carry the burden of those feelings forever.
[He knew Ronan probably wished he could reverse time to go back and change things, but there was nothing to be done about it. Dwelling on things would only make the wound worse.
Taking a breath, he rubbed his palm along Ronan's spine. It hurt him to see him cry. Ronan was fierce and wonderful, but he had a soft heart. A good heart. Adam knew he would have never wished for Kavinsky to do what he'd done, in the end. He'd probably thought he had more time, just like everyone else.]