forleaving | Open RP Post

It's not your fault. I don't blame you for it. It's just-- it's this place.

[He shrugs his shoulders, but he looks at Adam, meeting his eyes, and he tries to be reassuring. He wants him to know that he doesn't hold this against him, that even if he had been unfair that first day, he didn't really mean it. He didn't really blame him for it. How could he expect Adam to not love him any more than he could expect Ronan to feel the same?

It was fucked, but not because of anything Adam had done.

He sighs, and seems to war with himself about something, but then he takes a few steps, closing the distance between them. He slowly reaches out to curl fingers against the other boy's shoulder, his heart racing in his chest just from that simple touch. He flushes a little, a touch of pink over his cheekbones as he tries to find the right words.]

I.. think I'd like to take it slow. But, I know what I want. Back home I just didn't want to push you. I didn't want to- fuck things up and get it wrong.

[Ronan could never have said that back home, to the Adam he'd been perilously sweet on. But somehow, it felt like there wasn't the same sort of weight to it here, like this. Because Adam already knew, he'd already lived Ronan's clumsy affections. His Ronan had already figured it out, presumably already kissed him, said the right words. And Adam didn't really feel different- maybe more tolerant. But still the boy he wanted.]

If that's okay.

[Adam still felt guilty but it was a relief to know that Ronan wasn't upset with him over what had happened. He knew things had been rough and he hadn't felt like he'd helped.

He smiled softly when Ronan stepped closer and touched him. It was sweet, that Ronan hadn't wanted to mess things up. It made Adam feel...special. And like things could still work out. He meant what he said about being patient. He would give Ronan all the time and space he needed, without any pressure.]

Yeah, that's- that's definitely okay.

[Did that mean Ronan really wanted him? Adam knew how things had worked out for him, personally, but Ronan was from a different point in time. Anything could have changed. Knowing that Ronan was still interested in him, still wanted him... it lifted some of the weight off of Adam's shoulders. He could do slow. He could handle that. Sure, he wanted things to be like they'd been before, but he wasn't chomping at the bit. He wasn't impatient.]

That'd- [He took a breath, didn't finish. It'd make him happy, if he was being honest.]

[Ronan smiles a little bit shyly when Adam says that it's definitely okay.

Once he'd settled into this place a little, the fact that Adam Parrish was in love with him didn't feel as heavy. It was- almost comforting, in a way. Knowing that someone cared about him. Maybe it meant he didn't get to fall in love with him in the same way, but time was a fluid thing. This had just felt bigger than the rest, and it didn't feel like his hand that had changed things.

Anger had been easy that first day, but it was always easy for Ronan.]

Good. I want to.. make this work, I guess.

[He wants to feel like loving someone isn't always going to be fucked. That it's something he gets to have. He wants to figure out how to make things here feel okay. Not that he doesn't want to get back home, but as long as he's here- he wants to make it good. For both of them.

He leans in, slowly, a little unsure-- he doesn't kiss him. He just.. presses the side of his face to Adam's, so they're temple-to-temple, bodies close together. Something intimate, and he shivers a little just at the feeling. He said he wanted to take it slow, but he might have lied. Ronan's always been reckless, and as much as he knows that he wants Adam, he's a little unsure of what that means. Now that he's no longer worried about pushing Adam too far or too fast.

When he knows that the other boy wants him back.]

[He knew that sometimes things didn't always work out even when everyone involved wanted it to, but there was a higher chance of things going well. He had hope that they could navigate these complicated waters if they both were trying.]

We'll figure things out. We'll- I'll do whatever I can.

[And that was a promise.

He went very still when Ronan leaned in close. His eyes fluttered closed and he looped an arm around the other boy, holding on gently to the back of his jacket. All the times he'd been close with Ronan, intimate, and something like this still made him feel flushed and a little electrified. He guessed a few months hadn't magically made him used to physical intimacy after nearly a lifetime without it.

It was nice- being close now, not the other part. He always treasured whatever moments he had with Ronan, whether they were physically close or not. Every day before ending up here had felt like a gift, knowing that the other boy cared about him. Ronan still cared about him- things were just more complicated now. But when were things ever easy? They'd overcome so much as it was, a lot of it together; they could overcome this, too.]

[There's a soft catch of his breath when Adam loops an arm around him, his fingers just pressing against the back of his jacket, and Ronan suddenly wishes he'd had the foresight to take it off. Because he wants to feel his fingers against him at least through the thinner layer of his shirt-- It was almost embarrassing how much he wanted to be touched.

He doesn't pull away, if anything he just leans into the other boy's touch. It just makes him even more sure that he wants him. That even if there's time between them, if Adam has lived things that he hasn't, he still wants this. He wants to touch him, wants to lay close against him and talk, he wants to find out what having a boyfriend would be like. It's complicated, but.. like Adam said, they'll figure it out.

He feels.. he doesn't know. But he pulls back just a little, just enough that he can look into his eyes as he curls fingers at the back of his neck. And his heartbeat feels like it wants to burst through his chest. But Ronan's touch is light, almost uncertain- as if he isn't quite sure if this is okay, or not. But like he wants it to be, hopes that it is.]

Adam..

[He says his name softly, different from the way he says Parrish. Softer and almost unsteady. This is part of why he had such a hard time accepting this here, accepting that the boy he liked was already in love with him. Because if he did-- if he did, then it wasn't just a matter of aching softly from a distance. It was suddenly a question of whether or not he wanted a boyfriend.

He did. As long as it was Adam, anyway.]

[Adam's heartbeat fluttered in his chest. He was hyper-aware of Ronan's closeness, of his hand on the back of his neck. There was something about the way he said his name that made Adam want to hold onto him forever and never let go. Of course, Ronan could just exist and Adam wanted to hold onto him forever. Sometimes, especially now, it still felt impossible that a boy like Ronan wanted a boy like Adam. He was sure there were plenty of other people in the world who were better than him, and yet-]

Ronan?

[His voice was also soft, questioning but not unsure. Whatever Ronan wanted, Adam would give him. Whether it was space, a touch, a kiss, time- anything. He could not express enough how important Ronan's comfort was to him. Also, his happiness.

But also, at the moment, he was maybe losing himself a little in the depths of Ronan's beautiful eyes and how lovely his lashes were. While trying not to think about how lovely his mouth also was.]

[There's something about this moment, a sort of hushed quality to it, to the way that the other boy says his name. There's a question to it, but he's still here, right here against him, so close they can touch. They are touching, but Ronan still wants-- he wants.

Adam is not the first boy that he's wanted. But Ronan had fucked that up, and he still burns with the shame and the guilt. But in the moment that just makes him not want to let go of this. To not burn another chance, ruin another beautiful boy reckless enough to want him.

His other hand presses to Adam's side, fingertips pressing against his ribs. It's partially to steady himself, but also just because he wants to touch him. He wants his jacket off and he wants to touch his skin and he wants Adam Parrish to kiss him.]

Kiss me?

[The question is soft, but there's a certainty to it, too. Ronan leaning so close that his lips almost brush Adam's when he speaks. As complicated as this thing between them might be, Ronan knows that he wants this. He'd wanted Adam to be his first kiss before, and of all the things that have changed, that hasn't. He's almost breathless just thinking about it, just from wanting it.

Please, please. He just wants this one thing to work out.]

[If Ronan got any closer, Adam was positively going to expire. Closeness was comforting, it was familiar, but it also felt charged right now. It had his heart thumping in his chest and he felt- he swallowed, smiling softly when Ronan asked him to kiss him. It almost felt too good to be true after everything that had happened before and Adam was half-tempted to pinch himself.

Instead, he reached up with his other hand, curling his fingers against the back of Ronan's skull, familiar and gentle. Then Adam kissed him, soft, sweet, not pushy in the slightest. He let it linger, content to let Ronan be the one to decide when he wanted to pull away. It was- there were butterflies in his stomach. Which was either silly or a sign that no matter how many times they kissed, Ronan would have this effect on him.

Adam wanted him desperately, to share their lives, but- one step at a time. It was strange, starting over, but it wasn't Ronan's fault. Adam wasn't angry about it. He'd have some stern words for whoever was responsible for bringing them here in the first place but he wasn't sure there was a responsible individual. Unless it was Malachite. That would make things a little more difficult.]

[Adam smiles at the question, and his heart positively skips in his chest, feels like it bangs against his ribs. He stays impossibly still, feels like he doesn't even think to breathe in that space between where Adam's lips touch his. Ronan makes a sound that's not quite a gasp, strangely soft, at the way that it feels. His hands just holding against the other boy, and it's-- he doesn't have words for it. It's everything that he's ever craved. Breath-taking, adrenalin in his veins, a shiver that runs down his spine, heat on his skin.

He doesn't pull away until he has to, until he's breathless and almost gasping, a little wrecked as he looks at Adam, almost helpless. He should have kissed him on the station, but he knows he couldn't have, that it had taken him time to work through it, to find his footing, to be able to say it.]

Can we--?

[He tugs against Adam a little bit, the world suddenly tilted. He wants to just curl up together and kiss him again, he wants his jacket off and maybe his shirt too. He definitely wants Adam's shirt off. He knows he said he wanted to take it slow, but he should have known better, known that Ronan was awful at taking anything slow. Especially not when kissing Adam felt almost like a dream, so real it made the rest of the world feel pale.

Maybe he'd need Adam to kiss him every morning. That didn't seem like a bad thing, though.

Impatient as he is, he doesn't wait for Adam to answer that half-formed question, just kisses him once he has his breath, eager and needy. Walking him back a little just to nudge him against the sink. The couch would be good, or Adam's bed- not even because he was thinking of more than kissing, but just because he wanted to cuddle up with the other boy, wanted Adam like.. he didn't know the words.

But being in this weird place almost seemed worth it if it meant kissing Adam. But then there were few things that wouldn't be.]

[Adam didn't usually have this effect on people--but he didn't have much to compare to. The way Ronan looked at him nearly made him melt. He wanted to just hold him, maybe cradle his head in his lap, just- being close, together.

He wasn't quite sure what Ronan was asking- he didn't want to make assumptions and Ronan had said he wanted to take things slowly. The two of them had never been very good at slow, though. He still remembered the first day they'd kissed, how they'd spent the evening; Ronan, shirtless, Adam, tracing his fingers over the other boy's tattoo.

He didn't get a chance to ask though because the next moment, Ronan was kissing him again, backing him up until he was pressed against the sink. He clutched Ronan a little tighter, pressing into the kiss.]

I thought you wanted to take it slow?

[He murmured after he pulled away a little.]

[He murmured at the way that Adam held him a little tighter, pressing back into the kiss. And he-- it was almost overwhelming, but it just made him want more. He exhales breathless, almost like laughter at the question and he shakes his head a little bit sheepishly.]

I thought it would be easier.

[He looks into Adam's eyes, earnest and almost shaking with how he feels. How alive and present he feels, how much he wants the other boy. He wants Adam to touch him, he wants to kiss him, he wants to figure out how they fit together, and he's always been so much better at physicality than he was with words, with explaining how he felt.]

It's not. I want you. I want- I don't know. I just want you too much.

[He's never done this before, but he wants to. He wants more, wants Adam to show him. Wants to learn what he likes, what this thing between them can be like. What it can feel like. He rests his forehead against Adam's, still breathless and flushed, a flutter of his lashes as he looks into his eyes, a little awkward as he makes himself ask the question.]

Is this okay?

[It felt illicit to ask, but Adam didn't really seem to be protesting. It didn't feel like he wanted Ronan to slow down or back off. He hoped he didn't, anyway.]

[Adam smiled, gentle amusement in his eyes. If only he'd known before that things would take a turn like this. He might not have been as upset. Though he might have been anyway; it'd been a painful day on the station. He felt almost weightless right now though, like a heavy burden had been lifted from his shoulders. Ronan didn't do things halfway, so if- if he wanted Adam like this...

He was tempted to sneak in another sweet little kiss, but he also felt a little overwhelmed, almost.]

It is- you're sure?

[He didn't want Ronan to do anything he wasn't sure about, no matter how much he wanted to in the moment.]

[He almost felt bad for seeming so intractable back on the station, but at the same time he thought that they'd known each other for Adam to understand that was just how he was. He'd felt like he'd lost something, and he'd flinched at the idea that it was okay, that it was something they could try anyway. And then once his temper hadn't been so wounded, compounded by the strangeness of this place and the idea of intimacy as currency--

He hadn't handled it particularly well. But he didn't know how to do things partially. How to stand here and tell Adam that he wanted him and not fall into him entirely. There was so much tangled longing and quiet desire that he'd never dared give a voice to.

Of course, he's almost tempted to say something surly just to tease him at the question, but- he sort of wants to make it up to him. He wants to do it better.]

Yeah. I wouldn't have kissed you if I wasn't certain.

[The words are quiet, but there's a sincerity to it. Honest and raw- and he curls his fingers in his hair, lets his fingers against his side palm down the line of his chest. Trailing slowly over the thin layer of his shirt. There's a low sound on his mouth, all want and longing and affection. Because it isn't just about wanting to kiss him; tactile as he might be, Ronan doesn't know how to want someone just for their body.

It was part of what had made Kavinsky so fraught all those months ago.]

Okay.

[He'd figured Ronan wouldn't have kissed him if he wasn't sure about what he was doing, but- he felt better double-checking. Better to do something with absolute certainty than worry about what ifs, no matter how slim a chance it might be.

God, Adam loved him. He kissed him again, a little more...just more than before. A shiver worked its way down his spine and his skin felt a little flushed; there wasn't a day that went by that he didn't feel so lucky to have Ronan in his life. Even here, right now. Especially, right now. He felt lucky that Ronan wanted him, though he knew it had little to do with actual luck.

He pressed closer, if it was even possible, sliding his hand on Ronan's back up under his jacket and shirt, fingers and palm brushing over his skin. Every touch felt like the first time, maybe because he knew to Ronan it was the first time. Adam wanted to treat him right, to make every moment they spent together special. He would. Ronan deserved it. Not just because Adam loved him but because Ronan Lynch, fighter of men, dreamer of impossibilities, tender and sweet at heart, deserved to be happy.]

[Ronan murmured softly into the kiss as Adam kissed him, breathless just from the contact. It was more intent than before, and Ronan leaned into it, greedy. But also- he didn't think he could erase Robert Parrish's cruelty, but God he wanted to try. He wanted to give Adam as much affection as he could stand. Fill his life with enough warmth that the abuse of his father was an ever-more-distant memory.

He gasped, almost whimpering against Adam's mouth as the other boy's slender fingers that occupied an indecent percentage of his thoughts, slipped under his shirt. Skin to skin. He was unbearably turned on, and pressed so close he was sure that Adam could tell.

He pulled away for just a moment, just enough space to be able to shuck his leather jacket off and onto Adam's kitchen floor. And then his hands are back against him, smoothing up his chest in a way that's almost like worship as he kisses him again.]

Do you want to... couch or- or something?

[His voice is gently wrecked, and he falters, not quite able to suggest Adam's bedroom- even if there's still the suggestion of it. He isn't about to say it, but he feels a little bit unsteady. He's almost light-headed just from kissing him, touching him. He wants to make Adam happy; feels like this boy in his arms could make him happy too.]

[Adam was well aware of how turned on Ronan was. It was sweet and endearing at the same time that it was hot and Adam- he was getting there, himself. Slower, but steadily. Adam's was a slow-burning fire, but once it was ignited the flames were hard to put out.

He pulled his hands away when Ronan pulled back to get out of his jacket, pressing against him again as soon as he was able to. Every way that Ronan touched him felt like something to treasure, unique and special. What had Adam done to deserve this boy? Ronan was- he was more than Adam could put into words.

He considered their options for a moment, running through the pros and cons of each location. The bed would be the most comfortable, probably, but the couch was fairly spacious, too. It would work. There were other concerns too, more important ones like was there lube stashed away in this place somewhere or- because Adam certainly hadn't gotten any.]

The couch works.

[Ronan couldn't help himself when it came to what touching Adam did to him. The other boy might not be as aroused, but he could feel the press of what felt like the start of an erection. It was scorching- he felt like he was melting between his own arousal and the other boy he was pressed up against. God, he needed him in ways he could hardly explain.

He hadn't dared to dream that it would be like this. Breathless and far less conflicted than almost anything else that Ronan had ever wanted. Ronan of course hadn't even considered lube, that was far too many steps ahead, and he had a largely vague and theoretical grasp of the mechanics involved in what his body ached for.

When Adam chooses the couch, Ronan nods, starts to pull away only to lean back in for another kiss, this one brief and almost trembling with clumsy desire. Like he couldn't help himself.]

C'mon.

[He pulls away enough to catch Adam's hand, to tug him lightly in what he thinks is (hopefully) the direction of the living room, and the couch. He should have taken his shirt off, but he figures he can do that while they climb onto the couch- and maybe make sure the coffee table isn't too close to be a hazard.]

[Adam laughed, soft and merry, when Ronan leaned in for another kiss. He knew how hard it was to pull away right now, to not be pressed up against each other for the foreseeable future. A lot of things around them might have changed, but they were still the same, different points in time or not. Ronan was still Ronan, and Adam would gladly worship at his altar.

He went with Ronan when he tugged on his hand, and they were, indeed, headed in the right way for the living room. The coffee table, which Adam hadn't even considered as being an issue, was a respectable distance away. There was enough space between couch and table to walk comfortably, at least.]

I should- you don't have lube, do you?

[He was assuming they were actually going to have sex. And he was also assuming that Ronan most definitely did not have a bottle stashed away in his bag. He could be wrong on either or both counts, though. He'd have to check in the bedroom- considering what this place encouraged- but, one step at a time.]

[God, there was something about the way that Adam laughed, happy and pleased, his voice soft in this space between them. It was like it held Ronan's heart captive. Like he burned just for this boy who knew him better than Ronan understood, but was still Parrish, still the boy he knew.

His heart skipped, and for a moment he was almost overwhelmed by the way feelings welled up in his chest, but he managed to lead them to the living room, and he tried to put his emotions aside to worry about later. Right now he just... he wanted to touch Adam, wanted the other boy to touch him. He wanted their clothes off and their bodies pressed skin to skin. It felt easy to be greedy, to want whatever Adam would give him.

Maybe part of it was not having so much hurt and dark looming over them, like they had when things played out right.

At the question, Ronan flushes, his cheeks viscerally pink. Not quite embarrassment, but just a little bit helplessly awkward at the question. The fact that he's never done this before, and it feels like a slight flutter of butterflies, even if it's more anticipation than apprehension. He shakes his head at the question, looking up to meet Adam's eyes.]

I'd have to dream it. I haven't--

[And then he pauses, and strangely the fact that Adam has lived things that he hasn't is almost a good thing, relaxes him a little. It means he doesn't have to fight with himself to say it outloud, admit that he was a virgin, that this was the first time he'd done anything with anyone. And he wanted to give all of his first everythings to Adam.]

But you already know that, don't you?

[There was almost nothing about Ronan that Adam didn't adore. He did wish he could control his dreaming better, but it wasn't his fault that he hadn't had anyone to properly teach him. Kavinsky's guidance had come too little, too late. But Adam wasn't going to think about that right now.

Reaching up with his free hand, he gently cupped the side of Ronan's face, leaning in to kiss him sweetly.]

I know. It's okay. I'm going to go check the bedroom.

[Maybe there was some lube stashed away there. It was...both a pleasant and unpleasant thought. Nice that they would have it if it was there, but a little creepy with what this place expected them to do.

He snuck another kiss in before pulling away and hurrying to the main bedroom, fumbling through the nightstand next to the bed. He pushed things out of the way and there it was-- a brand new bottle of lube. Or, he hoped it was brand new, at least. With it triumphantly in hand, he made his way back to the living room.]

I found some.

[Ronan let his eyes close for a moment as Adam cupped the side of his face, kissing him so sweetly it made him feel-- almost overwhelmed, so he couldn't do anything except kiss him back. Soft and lingering, sweeter than anyone else would probably have thought he was capable of. His fingers shyly curled against the back of the other boy's neck, and he almost doesn't want to let go when Adam says he's going to go check the bathroom, but after they both steal a last kiss, Ronan forces himself to take a couple steps back, his touch slowly falling away.

But that want, yearning, is still in his eyes as he looks at him. He watches him as Adam walks into the bedroom, and he almost shadows him just because he wants to be close to him. But instead he kicks off his shoes and peels off his socks, just dropping his tee-shirt onto the floor when Adam returned.

It was practical, sure, but mostly it was just to keep himself doing something, not letting himself overthink his own inexperience. Adam wanted him, and that felt like enough. Wanted him even after Ronan had nearly tried to push him away. He grins, touching the back of his own neck a little bit sheepishly at the bottle in Adam's hand. But rather than stand awkwardly across the room he walks over to him, slowly tugging him toward the couch by the front of his shirt.]

Good. Dreaming would take too long.

[And Ronan didn't want to risk fucking it up, but he didn't feel like he needed to say that part out loud.]

[Adam stopped short as he came back into the room, eyes tracking over the lines of Ronan's body. He wasn't staring at any part of him in particular, just looking him over with warm admiration. He should have expected that Ronan might be partially undressed by the time he made it back, but it was still- he almost felt like he had butterflies.

Smiling when Ronan tugged him towards the couch, Adam went without protest or hesitation.]

I can't imagine you having the patience for it right now.

[It was a gentle tease. He wasn't going to say anything about the chance of things going wrong; they were both aware of it. There was no need to rub it in. It would have been petty and cruel, and though Adam could be petty sometimes, now was not one of those times.]

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