It's-- fuck. It's not that I think you don't mean to. But you'll leave, and you'll realize that you can be surrounded by other smart and fascinating people. You'll join clubs for people with ambitions, share notes in class. You'll find people that want something out of life, that aren't--
[Me. Because he knows he's always a chaos, a car crash.
He curses under his breath, his face a little damp when he presses it to the side of Adam's neck, an opened mouth kiss, but more like affection, like reassurance. He does sort of want to just kiss him and strip off their clothes and answer the struggle with physicality. But Ronan doesn't, just lets his larger hands rest light and careful against his body.
He feels guilty just for saying it. Although he doesn't take it back, but he does try to reassure his boyfriend a little.]
I want you to go to Harvard. I'm not that selfish, and you belong someplace like that, where you can figure out how much the world offers you when you don't have shitty people holding you back. But I am selfish, because I still want you to come back to me. I want you, Adam. Sometimes I think it's all I've ever wanted.
You. The Barns. A magic forest that understands me. A fast car. You.
[I love you.
He doesn't say the words, but he knows he should, but they're there in everything that he's saying anyway. The thing is that Ronan's insecurity isn't just about Adam, not really. Part of it is because Ronan doesn't have a path, doesn't know what the fuck to do with his life, what the fuck he's allowed to do with his life, and so it feels like he has nothing to offer.
I don't know what I'd do if I lost you too, but he doesn't say that either. He leans in so that he can lean their foreheads together, so that he can feel his breath. It feels awful, talking about these things, but maybe it's just because he's never done it before, never felt like he was allowed to, or capable of it.
Maybe if he'd been able to just talk to Kavinsky, back in the dreamfield... He sighs, letting his fingers curl at the back of Adam's neck. The question is hard, because it feels like the answer should be no; it had happened a long time ago, really, hadn't it? But it isn't. But he doesn't quite known how to say it so it comes off with a laugh, more self-deprecating than anything.]
I dunno, man. But the Forth of July is never easy. I mean-- look, so I loved Kavinsky back then. Don't worry, it's not like I ever told him, either. It's why--
[Whatever mirth there had been in Ronan's voice evaporates with even the slight hint of the other dreamer's fate. His voice catches, like a sob that he doesn't know how to breathe through. His blue eyes are uncomfortably bright, mired in shame and guilt.]
He should be there. Friday. Graduation. And he wont.
no subject
[Me. Because he knows he's always a chaos, a car crash.
He curses under his breath, his face a little damp when he presses it to the side of Adam's neck, an opened mouth kiss, but more like affection, like reassurance. He does sort of want to just kiss him and strip off their clothes and answer the struggle with physicality. But Ronan doesn't, just lets his larger hands rest light and careful against his body.
He feels guilty just for saying it. Although he doesn't take it back, but he does try to reassure his boyfriend a little.]
I want you to go to Harvard. I'm not that selfish, and you belong someplace like that, where you can figure out how much the world offers you when you don't have shitty people holding you back. But I am selfish, because I still want you to come back to me. I want you, Adam. Sometimes I think it's all I've ever wanted.
You. The Barns. A magic forest that understands me. A fast car. You.
[I love you.
He doesn't say the words, but he knows he should, but they're there in everything that he's saying anyway. The thing is that Ronan's insecurity isn't just about Adam, not really. Part of it is because Ronan doesn't have a path, doesn't know what the fuck to do with his life, what the fuck he's allowed to do with his life, and so it feels like he has nothing to offer.
I don't know what I'd do if I lost you too, but he doesn't say that either. He leans in so that he can lean their foreheads together, so that he can feel his breath. It feels awful, talking about these things, but maybe it's just because he's never done it before, never felt like he was allowed to, or capable of it.
Maybe if he'd been able to just talk to Kavinsky, back in the dreamfield... He sighs, letting his fingers curl at the back of Adam's neck. The question is hard, because it feels like the answer should be no; it had happened a long time ago, really, hadn't it? But it isn't. But he doesn't quite known how to say it so it comes off with a laugh, more self-deprecating than anything.]
I dunno, man. But the Forth of July is never easy. I mean-- look, so I loved Kavinsky back then. Don't worry, it's not like I ever told him, either. It's why--
[Whatever mirth there had been in Ronan's voice evaporates with even the slight hint of the other dreamer's fate. His voice catches, like a sob that he doesn't know how to breathe through. His blue eyes are uncomfortably bright, mired in shame and guilt.]
He should be there. Friday. Graduation. And he wont.